Category: Humor
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Public Service?
originally published in the Hartford Advocate The DMV hates your phone voice (no offense). We tried reaching them on the phone and were sent on a great Mario-Brothers-like adventure. So you’d better try to talk to them in person instead. By Jennifer Abel An online search for Web pages containing the phrases “Department of Motor…
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Tis the season of many holidays
Originally published in the Bristol Press, Middletown Press and New Britain Herald Happy Holidays! If you’re naïve, you read that and thought, “How nice. The writer’s expressing a goodwill message to all of her readers who celebrate various religious or secular winter-themed festivals this time of year.” Which is ridiculous. When you see “Happy holidays”…
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Who Do You Call To Get A Better Job?
originally published in the Bristol Press, Middletown Press and New Britain Herald The other night I tried selling my soul to Satan in exchange for a secure, fulfilling job offering a decent salary and opportunities for advancement (yes, America, that is what it takes nowadays). Unfortunately, the growing world economic crisis has even hurt the…
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Bureaucratic Blunder Gets In Your Pocket
originally published in the New Britain Herald, Middletown Press and Bristol Press With the economy careening toward Great Depression 2.0, socially responsible writers like me produce helpful news-you-can-use articles in the “How to save money for the tough times ahead” genre. So here goes: Clip coupons, brown bag your lunches, turn down the heat and…
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Spending and Saving, Saving and Spending
originally published in the New Britain Herald, Bristol Press and Middletown Press You know those free online e-mail accounts where you’re guaranteed no-cost access from every Internet connection in the world in exchange for being constantly pummeled by annoying flash ads, fluffhead celebrity news links and the occasional virus attack that crashes your entire hard…
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Belligerent Design Left Her In The Snow
originally published in the Middletown Press, Bristol Press and New Britain Herald The theory of Belligerent Design states that the universe was created by an intelligent being with a chip on his shoulder, who takes his aggression out on hapless humans such as you and me. This theory isn’t taught in schools, due to opposition…
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Safe At Last From Teen Terrorists At Taco Bell
originally published in the New Britain Herald and Bristol Press People of America, rejoice! I passed my Homeland Security check with flying colors, which means you can safely read my articles without worrying that you’re endangering the security of the homeland or anything. I’m serious. When I started working for this paper full-time, I expected…
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Stimulate Me
originally published in the New Britain Herald and Bristol Press You know those history-book photos of 1920s German housewives shoveling banknotes into their stoves? The captions explain that runaway inflation in the Weimar Republic made burning money cheaper than buying coal. This will never happen to the American dollar, because anyone who tries burning it…
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For A Good Time, Call Jennifer: My Brief Career As a Phone Sex Worker
originally published in the Hartford Advocate and Fairfield Weekly “Oh yes,” I sighed. “Yes. Right there. Please – oh! Oh, God. Harder. Please, oh God, Simon, don’t stop. Oh yes Oh, yes ooooooh.” My words melted into incoherent moans. “You like that, don’t you?” Simon’s husky voice demanded. “I love it,” I gasped. “You smell…
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Manscaping
originally published in the Hartford Advocate Manscaping The complete body hairlessness of Brazilian waxing may be coming to a regular guy near you By Jennifer Abel “Deep in the Brazilian jungle, where the sun never shines through the dense undergrowth onto the dark forest floor, bulldozers are clear-cutting the rain forest.” That’s the family-friendly way…